


Dear Alana Beck

by DearHeatherMell



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana doesn't want to be with Connor, Angst, Connor can tap dance btw, F/F, Fluff, He doesn't do it, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Seems pretty OOC though, She just want to be friends, Swapped AU, TW: cutting, but it's mentioned, mentions of hallucinations, tags along the way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2018-12-12 13:18:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11737860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearHeatherMell/pseuds/DearHeatherMell
Summary: Swapped AU where Alana and Evan switch places and Connor and Zoe switch places.Possible spoilers if you haven't seen or know the plot to the original Dear Evan Hansen.





	1. Starting off fresh (Part 1)

**Author's Note:**

> First three chapters are all connected to the first chapter. All three connected are too long to read.

7:30 AM

A laptop was open. The light shining bright, as Alana forgot to turn it down. The reflection of the light coming off of her glasses.

Thirty minutes earlier, she was just get ready. Time flies. She was ready for her senior years.

Going to her word document, she was suggested by her therapist and father to write letters, so she would be able to distract herself. 

Taking a deep breath, she began typing anything that came to her mind

_Dear Alana Beck,  
Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why because today all you have to do is just be yourself._

_But also confident, that’s important, like easy to talk to, approachable, but mostly be yourself, like that’s #1, be yourself. Just be true to yourself._

_Also, though, don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get sweaty for no reason, you can’t make it stop no matter what you do because there not gonna get sweaty, so I don’t even know why your bringing it up, because it’s not going to happen, because all you have to do is be yourself._

She stopped to scratch her arm. The arm that had the most obnoxious bandages to wear. It immediately occurred to her that her first impression at school is being 'the girl with bandages on her arm'.

She took another deep breath, trying her best to forget about her arm, and continued her letter.

_I’m not even gonna worry about it, though, because seriously it’s not going to be like that time where you had the perfect chance to introduce yourself to Connor Murphy after the jazz dance competition last year, when you waited afterwards just to talk to him and tell him how good he was, and you were gonna pretend to be super casual like you didn’t even know his name, like he would introduce herself and you'd be like “Wait, I'm sorry I didn’t hear you. Dodger, you said your name was Dodger?” And then he would be like “No it’s Connor. I said Connor." And you'd be like “Oh, see, I thought you said Dodger because I don't even, I’m very busy with other stuff right now is the thing." But you didn’t even end up saying anything to him anyway, because you were scared and your hands were sweaty which they weren’t that sweaty until you started worrying they were sweaty which made them sweaty, so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom, but then they were still sweaty, they were just very warm now as well._

Hearing her room door open, Alana quickly closed her laptop, making sure the person coming in wasn't just a random person who thought she was weird for making letters to herself. Wait-

Her father, Kenneth Beck, walked into the room, leaning on the door frame, crossing his arms while doing so.

"So... Your brothers bought a pizza yesterday," Kenneth started, his smooth voice relaxed Alana just a little, "But they said that you didn't eat anything. Are the rumors true?"

"Oh, I'm, um, I wasn't hungry..."

Kenneth sighed, "You're a senior in high school, 'Lana. You still need to eat, even if I'm at work." Closing the door behind him, he slowly made his way over to her bed and sat down beside her, "Your brothers can order it for you. You don't even have to pay or talk to anyone."

"Dad, that's not entirely true actually. You know how long Anthony takes when it comes to ordering pizza." Alana started her statement, hoping her father wouldn't mind, "Anthony wouldn't have enough money, then he would have to call Aiden down to help pay."

"Alana-"

"And then Aiden wouldn't have enough to pay! And guess who would have to pay the rest?"

"Alana, please-"

"I would! And pizza doesn't even cost that much!" Alana could continue with her rant and how this happens every time they do order pizza.

"Alana. This is what you're suppose to work on. With Dr. Sherman?" Kenneth asked, in sort of a rhetorical way, knowing his daughter has the answer, "Talking to people and thinking positive instead of running from them and thinking negative."

"Yeah.. Yeah, I'm going to get better."

"No. I know you are." Kenneth pulled her into a hug, "That's why I made you an appointment for this afternoon. Aiden will pick you up."

"But I have an appointment next week?"

"I rescheduled it for today, maybe you could use something sooner. Besides, have you been writing those letters he wants you to do? Dear Alana Beck?"

The word 'letters' is what caught Alana's attention, remembering the stupid letter she was writing this morning before her father came into the room. 

"Oh. I've started writing one. I'll finish it at school though." She released her arms away from the hug.

"Those letters are important, honey. They will be able to help you and let anything you want to feel out."

"I.. Guess." Alana said, dubious about it of course.

"I don't want another year of you moping around and saying you have no friends."

"Neither do I." Alana sounded doubtful, but Kenneth didn't bother to say anything, considering what the time is.

"Alana. Can we try to have optimistic outlook?" Kenneth asked, smiling at her.

"Nope." Alana said in return, putting her laptop in her computer.

With a groan, her father continued, "Can we please buck up enough to see the world won't fall apart?" 

"It will."

"This year, we can make a new start." He hugged his daughter once more, before pulling her away and looking straight into her eyes, "Maybe you can break the ice and ask kids to sign your bandages?"

"It would hurt... Perfect."

Kissing her cheek, he gave her one last smile before leaving, "I'm proud of you already."

"Oh. Good." Alana left the room, saying goodbye to her older brothers, while Kenneth stood at the door framed, watching her.

He started to realize that today's interaction with her was... An udder failure, enough to be disappointing.

"Being a single dad with three kids, two of which are college kids and the other a senior... I seriously need a map, cause right now I'm flyin' blind and making stuff up." Kenneth said, making his way to the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't noticed yet, yes, these words come from the Dear Evan Hansen script/book. I'm not rewatching the bootleg just to see angst.


	2. Starting off fresh (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation right after the first part, in a way.

7:30 AM

So early in the morning, yet there was an argument between the Murphy siblings. It didn't last long, thankfully.

Everyone was in the kitchen, even then was it quite, enough to hear someone's foot tapping.

Connor was at the table first, eating cereal and leafing through a book.  
Zoe poured the last of the milk in her coffee, which she didn't drink immediately.  
Larry didn't look up from his phone, which he was scrolling through his e-mails.  
Last was Cynthia, who was fussing about over everything in the kitchen - pouring orange juice, topping off Larry and Zoe's coffee, and clearing the clean dishes.

"It's your junior year, Zoe. You're not missing the first day." Cynthia said as she poured sugar in Zoe's coffee.

"My coffee..." Zoe said to herself, not wanting the sugar in her coffee, "I already said I'd go tomorrow. I'm trying to find a compromise here."

Cynthia groaned, looking over at Larry, "Are you going to get involved here? Or are you too busy on your email, Larry?" 

Still not looking from his phone, he was simply just able to say, "You have to go to school, Zoe."

"Is that seriously all you're going to say?"

"What do you want me to say? She doesn't even listen. Look at her.. She's probably hallucinating." Larry finally looked up, only to criticize his only daughter.

"She's definitely hallucinating." Connor finally decided to speak up. 

Zoe slammed her fist down on the table, getting in her brothers face, "Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!" He said in return, getting into her face as well.

Slightly pushing them away from each other, Cynthia was admonishing Connor, "I don't want you picking on your sister right now. That's not constructive."

"Are you kidding me? We both need he-" Connor was cut off, as his mother didn't want to hear it.

"Besides, she's not hallucinating." She looked over at Zoe, to confirm that she wasn't. Zoe simply gave her a shit eating grin, making her mother sigh.

"I don't want you hallucinating at school, Zoe. I'm sure we talked about this."

"Perfect! So then I won't go. Thanks, mom." Zoe got up from the table and leaving the kitchen, making his family officially unaware where she's going. Cynthia was lost in her thoughts, cleaning up Zoe's mess.

 _Another masterful attempt with disaster-_ She was cut off, as Larry shook his head. "Interstate's already jam."

 _Watch it all crash and burn._ She was distracted again by Connor, who was furiously shaking the milk carton, "Zoe finished the milk!"

Larry got up from his seat and gave Cynthia a peck on the lips, "I better head out." And left the kitchen while saying so.

"If Zoe's not ready, I'm leaving without her." Connor shook his head, finishing the rest of his cereal.

"I need a map."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoe drinking the milk is because my friend keeps claiming she did. Lies.


	3. Starting off fresh (Part 3)

A school bell buzz rang in Alana's ears, indicating students that they had five minutes left.

"H-hey. How was your summer?" An anxious voice was heard. Alana turned around to see Evan, one of her close acquaintances from school. 

She looked around, seeing if he was talking to another person. He wasn't. "My....?" She asked before being cut short.

"Mine was okay. I worked for my summer as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park. I'm sort of tree expert now." Evan gave out a small smile, making Alana nervously shake her head in agreement.

"Yeah. That's, wow. Really impressive."

Evan continued going on about his forest expertise. "I'm sort of a tree expert now. Not to brag but... I-I tried to climb this forty-foot-tree and..." he stopped and looked at Alana's arm, "Oh, my god. What happened to your arm? If you don't mind me asking.."

"Oh! No, it's fine." She gave him a small smile and assured him, "Oh. Well, I cut it while I was making food.."

Evan had no idea how to respond to this, "Oh.. Happy first day." He smiled before walking away.

Before turning back, she was jumped by the one and only, Jared Kleinman. Giving out a yelp, he covered her mouth for a second before letting go. "Is it weird to be the first person in history to cut their arm while using a you-know-what or do you consider that an honor?"

"What?!" Alana could feel her cheeks turning hot red, "I didn't- I wasn't d-doing that!"

"Paint me the picture: you're in your room, you've got Connor Murphy's Instagram-"

"Jared, I'm gay. We've established this. I just want to befriend Connor."

Jared snickered, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Then how'd you cut your arm?"

"I was, um, well I was making food for my family and I slipped, cutting my arm." Alana started to explain, until she noticed Jared going into a fit of laughter. 

"You slipped? What are you, like, an ice skater?"

"My father started working during the summer, so did I. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know: wow."

Jared stood there, saying nothing, unimpressed of her 'job'.

"Anyways, I was cooking food for my brothers and I had a knife-"

"And then you slipped?.."

"It's kind of a funny story, because after laying on the floor with blood gushing out my arm, I kept saying to myself. Any second now, my bros are coming to get me."

"Uh... Did they?"

"No. My dad came in six minutes later. That's the funny part."

Jared didn't laugh. He shook his head, "Jesus Christ."

"How was your summer?!" She quickly changed the subject.

"Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second-base-below-the-belt with this guy from Israel who's going to like be in the army... So, yeah, hopefully that answers your question." Jared said, turning around to go to class before being grabbed by the shoulder.

"Do you wanna sign my bandages?" Alana asked, as she showed him her arm.

"Uh... Why are you asking me?"

"Well, just, I thought... Aren't we friends?"

"Pfft.. Alana, we're family friends. Just like Evan, that's a different thing and you know it." He smirked and playfully punched Alana's arm, an 'ow' was heard from her, "Can you tell your dad to tell my mom I was nice to you? They need to pay for my car insurance."

"I... I will." Alana nodded, sort of saddened with her 'friendship' with Jared.

Seeing that Zoe was passing by, Jared did his best and 'interacted' with her. "Hey, Zoe."

Zoe stopped, glanced at Jared, who continued to make fun of her, "I'm loving the new black jacket. Very... School shooter chic." 

Getting more of Zoe's attention, she gave him a withering look.

"I was kidding." He assured her, giving her a small shrug, "It was a joke."

"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?" Zoe was deadpan serious, until she raised her voice, "Am I not laughing hard enough for you??"

Jared took a step back, nervously laughing, his bravado gone, "You're such a freak." Was the last thing he said, before walking to class, leaving Alana and Zoe by themselves.

Zoe turned to Alana, who gave out a nervous cough and a nervous, uncomfortable laugh. 

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

"What?"

"Stop fucking laughing at me."

"N-no! I didn't-"

"I'm not the freak!"

"B-but I wasn't-"

"You're the fucking freak!" Zoe yelled, shoving Alana to the ground before storming off. 

Alana laid there, only one thought on her mind, "Didn't I learn to slam on the break?"


	4. First ACTUAL meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick, possibility short, update.

Slowly getting up, Alana hummed to herself, a familiar tune she heard from a while back.

"Hey!"

Jerking her head over to the voice, Alana saw a a dark haired boy, hair to shoulder length.  
 _Crap_

It was Connor Murphy. Literally, one of the many people she wanted to make friends with.

"I apologize about my sister. I saw her push you. What an asshole..." Connor mumbled his last phrase, "She's.. Kind of a psycho.. Alana, right?" He asked, his head hanging.

"Alana?" She repeated.

Connors head sprung right up, "That's your name?..."

It took her awhile to finally realize her mistake, "Oh! Why, yes. It's Alana. I'm Alana. I apologize."

"Apologize? The hell you apologizing for?"

"Well, because you asked if I was Alana, and then I repeated it. That has to be annoying, especially to someone like you. Not that!-"

Connor put his hand up, signaling her to stop, "I'm Connor."

Alana nodded, "No, I know."

"Uh... You. Know?"

"No, just, I've seen you do tap dance in the jazz dance competitions. I like dancing- Well, not all dances. Some of the dances today are obnoxious and exotic-" Looking back at Connor, she quickly shut her mouth, "Im rambling on again, I apologize."

Connor gave out a small chuckle, "You apologize a lot, don't cha?"

"I'm sorry.." Alana caught herself on this one, improvising from there, "Or, I mean. Ugh! You know what I mean, correct?"

He slowly nodded in agreement, "Well.. I guess I'll talk to you later. I gotta go look for Evan." He walked off, before being grabbed by the wrist. 

"You, uh, don't want to sign my...?" The poor girl asked, regretting her question immediately.

"What?"

"W-what? What did YOU say?" Giving out a nervous laugh, she honestly had no idea what else to say around him.

"I.. I didn't say anything? You said something." Putting his hands in his sweatshirt pockets, he slightly tilted his head.

"Pfft, no. Me? De ninguna manera, José."   
God damn it. Did she really just say that? What's the point of making friends now.

"Uh.. Okay... José." Connor walked away, leaving Alana to wonder if his way of saying 'José' was a joke or if he was already annoyed by her. 

With a sigh, Alana continued to hum her little song, walking to her first class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alana is humming waving through a window. Why is she humming after being pushed down? Idk, why is Evan singing?


	5. Meeting the other Murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty long. I tried to fit in the whole second scene.

Pick up, pick up..." Another buzz was heard until a questioning 'Hello?' was heard.

"Ah! 'Lana, I am so sorry. I know I was supposed to pick you up, sis. Traffic is kinda.. Traffic is kinda shit, ya know?" Aiden, the middle child of the Beck's, was holding onto his phone with his shoulder.

Alana, being related to two unorganized college students, had expected this. Actually, she was kind of use to it, "It's fine." She assured him.

"Let's talk for a bit."

"No. I don't really-"

"The coffee shop, I'm working at, announced more budget cuts this morning. I guess I can prove to you guys that I'm a team player, right?"

There was silence for a while, "Uh.. 'Lana?" Aiden asked.

"I'll take the bus." Alana sighed in displeasure, but she could hear a sigh of relief from the other line.

"That's perfect sis. Since you're doing that, I'm going to class. I'll be late though, so dad wants you to eat something. We have microwaveable food." He gave a weak smile, know his little sister wouldn't be able to tell, "I know you don't like cooking now."

"That's great.. I think."

"Oh! And dad wants me to remind you to finish those stupid letters your therapist is making ya do."

"My letter? Pfft, I already finished it." Alana lied. She wasn't even close to being done, "I just need to print it out."

"Alrighty sis. Hope you had a good day. See ya later."

"See you later." Alana hung up first, opening her laptop in the computer lab. She sighed and began typing the rest of her letter.

_Dear Alana Beck,  
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because... why would it be? _

_Oh I know. Because there’s Connor. And all my hope of friendship is pinned on Connor. Who I don’t even know and doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to him, then maybe... nothing would be different at all._

_I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of... something. I wish that anything I said... mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your most best, and dearest friend,  
Me_

Alana pressed to print her paper, slouching down on her chair. She was startled and gave out a small yelp, as she felt two hands around her shoulders.

"What's a girl like you doing here?" A male voice was heard.

Alana stood up and looked over at him. It was some boy she didn't know, all she knew was that he was a grade below her. But, he was taller than her.

"Seriously? I'm not sure I've heard an actual male say a 'compliment' like that. Want to know why? Because nobody no longer uses that phrase." Alana huffed, trying to make her way to the printer, before feeling how Jared and Connor felt. The tall student grabbed Alana by the arms, pulling her closer to him and letting go.

"Let go of me!"

"Why would I do that? You look pretty, you know that?"

Zoe, looking from afar at the printer, could hear the whole conversation. Looking up, she sighed, deciding to make her way over.

"Babe!" Zoe yelled, grabbing onto Alana's hand, "Is this guy bothering you??"

Alana nodded and blushed a bit, as she was holding the same girl that pushed hers hand. 

The junior gave her a hug, not until she whispered, "Figure we could pretend to be girlfriends and get this guy off our backs." 

Alana nodded once more, until something surprising happened. Zoe Murphy, out of all people, gave Alana the longest kiss she ever had. Unsure what to do, Alana thought it was best to kiss her back. This lasted until the guy hitting on Alana left.

Zoe, finally pulling away from the kiss, looking at how Alana was just a couple inches shorter than her. "So... What happened to your arm?" She asked, without any hesitation.

"Oh! I uh.. I slipped while making food. I was holding a knife." Alana could hear Zoe cracking up.

"Y-you 'slipped' while cooking??" Zoe wiped a tear of laughter away from her eye, "Ugh. That is just the saddest fucking thing I've heard. Oh my god."

Alana tried to laugh along, at least a fake laugh, "Y-yeah. I know."

Finally, after her thought of dark humor, she stopped laughing, she noticed something else, "No one's signed your bandages."

Sadly, Alana nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I know that too.."

"I'll sign it."

"What? Even if you did kiss me, you don't have to."

"Too late." Zoe dug through her bag, grabbing some prismacolor markers, "Sit down."

Doing what she was told, she watched in amazement as Zoe was drawing a whole galaxy. The amazement slowly turned into dismay as she wrote her name in giant letters around the small galaxy. 

"Oh. Great. Thanks." Alana said sarcastically.

"Now we can both pretend that we have friends." 

"Mm.. Good point." she nodded.

As Zoe was putting her markers away, she showed Alana a piece of paper, "Is this yours? I found it on the printer." Looking closer at the beginning, she began to read ""Dear Alana Beck" What? Like, 'DAB'?" Zoe snorted.

Alana shrugged and nodded, "Yeah.. My brothers remind me of it." She started to feel a surge of fear, "May I have it back? It's a stupid piece of paper for an assignment I have."

Alana tried to grab it back, but Zoe kept pushing her away, looking down at the paper, "'Because there's Connor.'" Zoe looked up in realization, "Is this about my brother?"

And just like that, Zoe's mood shifted suddenly, very abruptly.

"No! Not at all-"

"I bet you wrote this so I would find it, didn't you?!"

"Wait. What?"

"You saw that I was the only one here, so you wrote this and printed it out? UGH! I can't believe I helped you out!"

"B-but Zoe! Why would I?-"

"Because you want everyone to think I'm crazy! You wrote crazy shit so I would read it!"

"I not like that at all-"

"Fuck you." Zoe tucked the letter into her pocket and walked off, worrying Alana.

"Wait! I need that! Please I beg of you. Can you just, can you please give it back??" Alana went after her but stayed behind, figuring it's useless to even go after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God damn, Murphy. Getting killed by both Murphy's in one school day. Very impressive.


	6. Quick chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Alana didn't get creative names this time!

_Jared_ : A letter to yourself? What the crap does that even mean? It's, like, some kind of sex thing?

 _Alana_ : The hell is wrong with you!  
_Alana_ : It was an assignment I had to do

 _Jared_ : Okay  
_Jared_ : But why are you telling me this?

 _Alana_ : I didn't know who else to tell this to  
_Alana_ : I didn't want to tell my brother cause they'll just tell my dad.  
_Alana_ : Besides, you're my only.... Family friend?

 _Jared_ : Oh my god  
_Jared_ : Your too pathetic to even engage

 _Alana_ : *You're

 _Jared_ : Shut up

 _Alana_ : Sorry!  
_Alana_ : I seriously have no idea what to do.  
_Alana_ : She kissed me and stoled the letter from me three days ago  
_Alana_ : No one at school has seen her since

 _Jared_ : Calm down  
_Jared_ : That doesn't bode too well for you

 _Alana_ : What do you think she's going to do with it?

 _Jared_ : No clue  
_Jared_ : Both of the Murphy's are batshit out of their minds  
_Jared_ : Especially Zoe  
_Jared_ : Remember when she grabbed her first grade teachers HOT coffee and splashed it on her?  
_Jared_ : All because she didn't like the snacks they had

 _Alana_ : What if she shows the letter to other people??

 _Jared_ : Obviously  
_Jared_ : She's going to ruin your life with it. I know I would.

Alana closed her computer and scrolled through her phone, scanning for her emails, texts, basically anything. All traces of her typical studied cheeriness had disappeared completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in the middle of writing the chapter where it takes place in the principals office, then suddenly I remembered that Jared and Evans conversation. So this is just a last minute input.


	7. "She didn't write this"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth is out there. Zoe is f ucking dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of laziness around the end. Bold is Larry and Em is Cynthia. But it's obvious who's who already.

" _I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. I didn't do-_ "

Alana only had one thing on her mind, as she was called up to the principals office without a reason.

Sitting in the office were Cynthia and Larry Murphy. Alana could see how they both looked exhausted. Larry looked stiff and seemed like nothing had happened. On the other hand, Cynthia looked broken and was reeling.

"Good morning. Is Mr. Howard?-" Alana noticed how both Larry and Cynthia looked at her, confused, "O-oh. I apologize. They told me that I was suppose to go to the principals office."

This is the kid. Larry realized what she was talking about and how this is the kid in the letter, "Mr. Howard stepped out."

"I see." Alana nodded.

"Which is good, because we wanted to speak with you in private. So if you'd like to maybe..." He gestured over to a chair, wanting Alana to sit. With another nod, she slowly sits down.

"We're, uh.... We're Zoe's parents." Larry looked down and held his hands together.

"Oh. I see." Alana had no idea where this was going. 

Cynthia started to rummage through her purse, pulling out a folded piece of paper. She seemed to be cradling it, wanting to just protect it.

"Honey.." Larry looked somewhat disgusted, "Why don't you go ahead and..."

"I'm going as fast as I can."

"That's not what I said, is it?"

Alana could feel the terrible pause between them, until Cynthia held the letter out to her.

"Zo-Zoe.... Wanted you t-to have th-this." Cynthia's voice sounded unsteady, making Alana somewhat uncomfortable.

Grabbing the letter, Alana looked over it, her face starting to darken.

"We just never heard your name before. Zoe never... But then we saw....'Dead Alana Beck'" Larry put his arm around his wife, comforting her.

Alana became worried, "Did she, uh, give it to you?"

"We didn't know that you two were, what seems like, close friends."

"Close... Friends?"

"In all honesty, we didn't think Zoe had any friends. And then we see this note and it's, this seems to suggest really pretty clear that you and Zoe were, well at least for her, she thought of you as.." Larry pointed to the letter, "Right there, it says 'Dear Alana Beck' addressed to you. She wrote it just for you."

It took Alana a while, but she finally realized what's going on, "You think Zoe, your daughter, wrote this to me??"

Cynthia nodded, "These are the words she wanted to share with you."

"Her last words." Larry added.

Grabbing on Alana's hand, Cynthia made eye contact with her, "This is what she wanted you to have."

Alana shook her head, "I'm sincerely sorry. What do you mean by last words?"

Cynthia, still holding on Alana's hand, and Larry both gave each other a long and frightened look.

"You see, Alana..." Larry paused, taking a breath, "Zoe.. Zoe took her own life."

She was stunned, "She... What?"

"This is all we found with her. She had it folded up in her pocket." Larry sighed, "You can see that she's .... She wanted to explain, why she was. 'I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone.'" Larry started to recite from memory.

"Please stop it, Larry." Cynthia covered his mouth, then looked at Alana, who started to stammer.

Alana could feel the rush of panic, the same panic she felt at the computer lab, "But, that's, this isn't.... I-I'm sorry. Zoe, uh. Zo-Zoe didn't write this."

" _What does that mean?_ "

"Zoe didn't- She didn't write this."

" _What does she mean?_ "

" **She's obviously in shock.** "

"N-no! I just, she didn't.."

Cynthia pointed to the letter "It's right here!"

"I'm sorry, but I shouldn't be here. Can I go now?"

" _If this isn't, if Zoe didn't write this then..._ "

" **Cynthia. Please. Calm down.** "

"I really should go now."

" **Cynthia, honey. This is not the time.** "

" _But... But this is all. This is all we have left of her!_ "

" **Honey. Listen to me.** "

Alana stood up from her chair, wanting to move from this giant mistake.

Larry put his hands on Cynthia's, but pulled away, breaking down immediately after. 

"Cynthia, please."

Feeling all sorts of guilt, Alana handed back the letter, "Take it." She wanted this to be over and hope they took the letter quickly and leave, "You should just- You should take it. Please, it's my honor."

Even more guilt rushed in as she heard the mother gasp. The bandages. The name. Crap.

"Larry. Look." Cynthia gently tugged on Alana's right arm, showing Zoe's name in all print and space, to Larry, "Her bandages."

Alana looked down at the name, seeing as if she never noticed it in the first place. She never wanted to even see it. 

It was easy to tell Cynthia had tears in her eyes once more. She grab Alanas hand and ,what seemed like a hug, held it tightly.

" _Her best and most dearest friend._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look is back and back with another chapter.  
> DEH is still cool, right?


	8. Another text chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chat between Jared and Alana. Featuring, Evan Hansens tweets.

**Jared** : Holy. S hit.

 **Alana** : I didn't say anything.  
 **Alana** : I just  
 **Alana** : I just couldn't say anything.

 **Jared** : Holy  
 **Jared** : F ucking  
 **Jared** : S hit

 **Alana** : They invited me for dinner, so I can talk about Zoe  
 **Alana** : And our 'friendship'

 **Jared** : She kissed you  
 **Jared** : MORE LIKE RELATIONSHIP 

Alana: Nows not the time, Jared

 **Jared** : I'm so  
 **Jared** : Stunned by all of this  
 **Jared** : What the f uck Alana

Alana groaned and rubbed her temples. She grabbed her phone, as she heard a ting from it. It was a tweet from Evan. Evan Hansen, the boy who knew more about Zoe Murphy, all cause he was actually dating a Murphy. 

Alana read the tweet aloud in her head.

' _Still can believe the terrible news about @ZoeMurphy. She was incredible._ '

With another groan, she looked back at her laptop, where another reply from Jared appeared.

 **Jared** : What are you going to tell them?

 **Alana** : The truth  
 **Alana** : Of course

Another tweet appeared  
' _While I was good friends with Zoe, she wasn't exactly the type of person who'd throw parties for you. But she was still cool and, was, outgoing._ '

 **Jared** : The truth  
 **Jared** : Really?  
 **Jared** : Alana Beck, are you really going to the Murphy's house and explain to them that the last thing they have for their daughter is a weird, kinky sex letter you wrote ourself?  
 **Jared** : Actually. Now that I think of it

 **Alana** : JARED

' _We were in so many classes together._ '

 **Jared** : What?  
 **Jared** : You realize there's like a ginormous chance you might go to jail for this, right?

 **Alana** : What?!  
 **Alana** : I didn't even do anything 

' _Tenth grade was fun for us. Connor and I would always support support her whenever she had a tough quiz for English._ '

 **Jared** : Hate to break it to ya, Lana   
**Jared** : But you may have already perjured yourself

 **Alana** : That's only when you're under oath.   
**Alana** : In a court room.

 **Jared** : Well  
 **Jared** : Weren't you under oath?   
**Jared** : In a way?

 **Alana** : No

' _I'm going to miss those times. She changed over the years, of course..._ '

 **Jared** : Listen to me  
 **Jared** : You don't want to go above and beyond again like last year in English  
 **Jared** : When you literally dressed up as Daisy Buchanan when you were suppose to give a speech instead?  
 **Jared** : All because you wanted to get the best grade out of the whole damn class

 **Alana** : I  
 **Alana** : What do you want me to keep doing??  
 **Alana** : Keep lying to them?!

 **Jared** : Hey woah  
 **Jared** : I didn't say 'lie'  
 **Jared** : All you literally have to do is nod and agree to all they say and ask  
 **Jared** : If they ask anything just say 'yeah, that's true'  
 **Jared** : Don't contradict and don't make S hit up  
 **Jared** : It's foul proof

 **Alana** : How would you know this would work?

 **Jared** : Nothing I tell my parents is true and they still have no idea

' _Three days ago, Zoe Murphy was here and now.... Shes gone.._ '

 **Alana** : But they were so sad  
 **Alana** : Her mom  
 **Alana** : I've never seen anyone so sad before

 **Jared** : You're gonna tell her about your kinky sex letter anyways  
 **Jared** : That'll cheer her right up  
 **Jared** : Right?

 **Alana** : No...

Shutting the laptop, she considered about this all night. She checked her phone once more, seeing the last tweet of the night from Evan.

' _If Zoe meant anything to you, please retweet. Or you can private message me if you just want to talk... Or Connor of course. At a time like this, we really could all use a friend._ '


	9. Dinner and lying with the Murphy's (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHOS BACK  
> This story has to finish one way or another  
> This chapter was originally going to be longer but bleh

Dinner at the Murphy's was a frightening experience for Alana.

She didn't actually know any of these people. 

Alana stared at the food that was in front of her. She was afraid to either eat, move or even make a sound. Looking over to her left, Alana could see Mr. Murphy serving himself to seconds.

The awkwardness of silence was interrupted when Larry asked, "Would anyone else like some more chicken?"

Cynthia gave him a very obvious forced chuckle, "I think you're the only one with an appetite, Larry."

"The Harrises brought it over." he sounded very defensive.

Clearing her throat, Cynthia gave Alana a small smile and asked, "Did Zoe tell you about the Harrises?" A question that Alana couldn't answer truthfully.

The only thing she could do was take Jareds advice, she nodded as if she actually knew. 

"We used to go skiing together, our families." Cynthia continued.

Alana nodded again, "Zoe loved skiing." She lied.

"Zoe hated skiing." Connor interrupted the conversation, trying to break Alana and her lies.

"W-well, right. That's what I meant." Alana lied some more, but she just couldn't stop herself, "Zoe loved... talking about how much she hated skiing...?" She gave out a nervous chuckle.

It was obvious Connor wasn't falling for any words she was throwing at them. He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, just staring at Alana without saying a word.

"I suppose you girls, you... You hung around a lot?" Cynthia butted in, asking, before anything bad could happened.

"Pretty much." Alana nodded again.

"Where?" Connor asked, still leaning back and giving Alana a look that could kill. 

"Oh! D-do you mean, like, where did we...? Well, we mostly hung out at my house. But sometimes we'd go to her house if nobody was here." She nodded and continued, "We actually use to send emails to one another, mostly though. She didn't like to hang out in real life."

"Bullishit!" Connor slammed his fist on the table, frightening Alana and his parents, "We looked through her emails! None of them were from you!"

"W-well, no, of course, yeah, I mean, that's because.." Alana fumbled around with her words, "She had a different account. A secret account! Maybe I should've said that before. This was probably all very confusing."

Connor clenched his hand tight, "Why was it secret?"

"Just so no one else could," Alana shrugged, "It was more private. I guess. In that way."

Cynthia looked over at Larry, giving him a glare he wasn't use to, "She knew you read her emails."

Larry leaned back in chair and crossed his arms, "Somebody had to be the bad guy."

There was a tense pause felt around the room.

"You know what the fucking weird thing is, Alana?" Connor stopped to take matters into his own hands, "The only time I've ever seen you and Zoe together was when she shoved you at school last week."

Alana was given a concerned look from Mrs. Murphy, "She shoved you?"

"Actually! I, um, I tripped." She tried her best to seem less suspicious, considering what everyone was expecting from their deceased daughter/sister.

"Really? Cause I was there. I saw the whole god damn thing." Connor tightened his grip harder, it seemed his knuckles were turning whiter, "She shoved you. Hard."

"Pfft! Oh, I remember now!" Alana began another one of her lies, "That was a complete misunderstanding. The thing is, she didn't want us to talk at school and I tried to do so. It wasn't her fault. It was mine.."

Connor scoffed, "Sounds like an abusive relationship. Why didn't she want you to talk to her at school?"

"She just really didn't want people to know we were friends. I guess she was just a little... embarrassed."

"Why would she be embarrassed?" Cynthia butted in, once again, asking. 

"Oh.." Alana looked down, "I guess because she didn't want people to know.."

"She was friends with a nerd?" Connor guessed, interrupting before she could continue.

"Connor." Larry said in the most monotone voice Alana has ever heard.

"Isn't that what you meant?" He asked, ignoring his father.

Word vomit rushed in. There was no way of stopping Alana now.

"That we were girlfriends, actually. Nerd works too, I suppose."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alana you f ucked up


	10. Dinner and lying with the Murphy's (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update   
> Wasn't going to post until 3rd part was done but ehhh
> 
> Warning-A little bit of panphobia from Larry at the beginning

Silence filled the room. What else to say when your dead daughter had a secret girlfriend for god knows how long.

Did Alana really say 'girlfriend'? Good one.

"Well, Zoe was pansexual." Connor broke the quietness, "But Zoe wasn't a very nice person. So it makes sense."

"Pansexual?" Larry questioned to himself "Isn't that just another word for bisexual?"

"Larry you ignorant slut." Alana squeaked out, making sure no one heard.

"Shut the actual hell up, Larry." Connor hissed over at him.

Struggling to maintain her poise, Cynthia breathed, "Alana, you have to understand that Zoe... She was a complicated person."

"No," Connor defended, "Zoe was a bad person! There's a fucking difference!"

"Connor, stop swearing at your mother and stop talking nonsense." Larry chimed in.

"Don't pretend like you don't agree with me, Larry, you were scared of her."

Alana could see the distress growing on Cynthia's face. It was getting difficult for her to watch. Lines like 'You refuse to see any of the good things!' and 'Because they were no good things! What don't you understand!?' All of it just got louder and louder over the minutes. It was too much for Alana to take in. 

For once, Alana, before even thinking, tumbled out any words she could find.

"I remember a lot of good things about Zoe." She choked out. 

The kitchen went silent once more, with all eyes on the poor girl, realizing her mistake.

"Like. What?" Connor asked in a fern tone.

She shook her head, "Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry. My bad." 

"Alana, please. You were saying something." Cynthia assured her.

"It doesn't matter. Really. Honest."

"Please, sweetie. We just want to hear what you have to say."

It took a moment, but Alana finally gave in to spew out another one of her lies. 

"Well, I was.. You see, Zoe and I.... We had really great times together. Especially this one day, recently." She paused to look around, unsure if she was connecting to any of them, especially Connor.

"That seems to be something good I remember about Zoe. I just keep remembering that day. That day." Her eyes land on some apples the Murphy's had in a bowl for decoration.

"The apple... Place... Apple place..." Alana stuttered, causing awkwardness into the room, "I knew this was stupid. I don't even know what I brought it up in the first place."

"She took you to the orchard?" Cynthia guessed, chiming in, "Like a...date?"

Alana could see the hope in Mrs. Murphy's eyes. Heck, even Connor was silent enough for this. Not happy, but silent.

"Yeah. She did. And it was a wonderful date."

"Wh-when did she take you??" Cynthia asked, wanting to know more about the fake relationship.

"It was just a one time thing." Alana said, "But she did say the apples there were just the best."

"I thought the place closed down?" Larry asked, "Years ago?"

"Exactly!" Alana nervously chuckled, "Which is why we were so bummed out when we got there, because it's totally closed down now."

Cynthia gave a warm chuckle Alana has ever heard, "We used to go to the orchard all the time! We'd do picnics there all the time- Remember that, Connor?"

Connor nodded slowly, "Yeah. I do."

She turned back over to Alana, "Connor and Larry that a little toy plane that would fly. Until they flew it into a creek."

Larry couldn't help but smile and laugh a bit, "It was an emergency landing."

"I honestly can't believe she took you there. I bet that was fun. I bet you two had fun." Cynthia happily guessed.

Alana nodded, "We did. The whole day was just..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Larry you ignorant slut" -Alana Beck 2018 (totally canon)


	11. UPDATE/QUESTION THINGY

ABOUT DEAR ALANA BECK  
I DONT KNOW HOW TO WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER, SO THATS GOING GREAT. IT'LL BE UP EVENTUALLY, SO SORRY TO DISAPPOINT 

BUT QUESTION TIME  
I FREAKING LOVE COCO (THE MOVIE) aND I FREAKING LOVE THE FICS ON HERE SO I KINDA WANTED TO DO ONE MYSELF  
SO BASICALLY THE QUESTION IS, IS IT OKAY I TAKE A HIATUS FROM DAB AND CAN DO COCO? 

THE FIC I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT IS THE COCO MAIN CHARACTER AU AND (OF COURSE) ITS ANOTHER REWRITE 

A FEW RESPONSES WOULD BE NICE  
THANK YOU!!

Already quick update:   
I actually started a little bit of the beginning for the first fic, but wanted to see what y'all would say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please ignore the all caps  
> no one is letting me sleep


End file.
